Thursday, June 14, 2007

A Day of Note


And now he is 2.
I think I did better with this birthday than his first. We had the pool party, people actually came, and we celebrated with pizza and a big cake. Much better than his single cupcake with one candle and a lonely mom last summer.
Yet.
This is still a day that matters more to me than to him, at this point anyway. He's a happy-go-lucky, easygoing kid -- his birthday day will be one like many others: We went to the park and walked the dog this morning, took a nice long nap and now we're off to the Natural History Museum to see the moon rocks and animals.
But I can't help but remember this day in North Carolina where he was born, the long labor that preceded it, the family and friends that were around to welcome him into the world. Such a challenge and such a reward.
I am so happy that I became a mother. Just as much the second time as the first.
But we've seen a lot of changes over the last two years, and I guess that this day always makes me think of life before kids and before we made the big move to D.C. I am no more than ambivalent about our move here to the city.
In two years, I don't know that I've fully integrated the changes of becoming a mother, leaving the workforce, and moving away from family and friends to a cold (welcoming, not weather) city. But I'm trying. I'm really trying.
I don't regret a single decision I've made alone, or with the Cap'n as a family. I will probably always wonder what would have been if we would have stayed in NC and made it our home. But even as I write this, I know that I would have regretted the decision to stay there more because we would not have had the opportunities we've had here, for the Cap'n at work and for me to stay home with the kids.
In some ways, having kids has made me feel more empowered and confident than anything I've ever done before (or probably will since). And on the flip side, it has uncovered all the uncertainties and anxieties I've ever harbored about being "good enough" too.
The responsibilities of these two tiny human beings makes me want to strive to do my utmost, very best every moment with them, and it makes me realize that I'll never be perfect and will probably fail more times than I succeed.
But it makes me want to strive. And I truly believe striving to be your best is at the heart of the best relationships.
I hope my boys will always know that I want to be my best for them. And that I love them with all my heart.

5 comments:

Rie said...

Happy Birthday, Nephew!

And a Happy Birthing Day to you, too, SistaGirl!

Love you always!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Malcolm!!!

Ginny you are a great and wonderful Mother for your most beautiful and wonderful children!! I am so proud of all your accomplishments and these boys could not have a better Mother than what they have now!!! Keep up the good work.

Had the most fun at the Big Birthday Bash for Malcolm. Thank you for inviting me.

Love Always
Mom

Anonymous said...

Hey Girl -

When can I come visit? I'm free every weekend in July. Can I sleep on your floor in my sleeping bag?

Andrea

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you need a break. Why don't you ask that Cap'n if he'll take the boys for a day and leave alone to knit, sleep and do whatever?

Anonymous said...

I've seen those boys and I can tell you. You are a very good mother. And when you decide to go back to work or school, or start a business or write/knit your way around the world, you'll do very well at that too. Your life in DC will get better. It's just a matter of finding your groove, things you like to do, and some friends. You've already done some of that, and some things you have to pursue. But if you want it will happen. I'm sure of it.